To Do...

Things to do... 

Set up Secure WAMP server
Create  frontend php index > temporary index placeholder...

Set up  ShoutBox
Set up AJAX Chat > changed to PhpFreeChat which appears based on AJAX Chat.

Set up WordPress blog
Set up IRC server Web Client

better get typing, I make 300 typos per minute, and cant code to save my life. you can cut open my skull and inside will be a google search engine scraping millions of redundant websites and winnowing the wheat from the chaff. :o

Secure Waaaaaaaaamp.....

Holy buckets, well at least finding solutions to dumb issues is good. As long as I document it all...

Having lost my WAMP server data as previously mentioned, the decision to completely freshly install Secure WAMP seemed logical.

Installed the package, which is a nice gui front end giving you options to install/control Apache/PHP and MySql. Needed things, yes..

Oh I had forgotten the problems of MySql, why I have always avoided it.. Upon attempting to log into PhpMyAdmin, I am greeted with the error that I cannot connect to the MySql Database using the root+password credentials. Why? Hmmm..

Check everywhere, no MySql installed, no Apache/PHP installed prior. So I uninstall Secure WANK and try again. Now I cannot even install or start Apache. And worse, the stupid GUI hangs on an error message partially hidden after scrolling on by, and I cannot check this as the GUI is hung. I need to force close the thing.. no Logs whatsoever.

Try again, different location. Same thing. Try MySql first this time, and then I see an error relating to the database. WHAT DATABASE?

I install MySql Workbench and lo and behold, the god damned database is still there, or referenced..... Ugh Bells ring, I remember this from over a decade ago.

Uninstalling MySql does not remove the databases. Ok, so i manually remove every trace.

Same error... Please for the love of god, this should not be this hard, I know I am not the best when it comes to this, but this is a self contained package that should be as simple as install and configure.. not trouble shoot the install...

Hmm, just for a laugh I check services.msc - holy flaming parrots, there is a dead MySql service AND a dead ApacheServer service.

Quickly dropping to an Admin command prompt :

sc delete MySql > suyccess
sc delete ApacheServer > success

I run crapcleaner just to make sure nothing is going to bother me. Its done.

Try the install once more.. Ha.. not an issue.

Install Apache/PHP > success.
Install MySql > success.

Log into PhpMyAdmin, and viola, I am in. an outdated PhpMyAdmin and PHP, however reveal to me that there are components disabled...

I retrieve and unarchive the latest PhyMyAdmin, rename the old PhpMyAdmin folder to .OLD and copy the new contents into PhpMyAdmin. I copy over the config.inc.php file, and on accessing PhpMyAdmin, I am greeted with :

Requires PHP 5.5.x

This is so damn tedious...

Rename PHP to PHP.OLD and download the latest PHP package for Windows 32bit stable, unarchive it into a new PHP folder and copy over the config file.

Now, running PhpMyAdmin, I am seeing it all, with the error, still, that some features are disabled.

I need to run the CreateTables.sql script in the PhpMyAdmin/SQL folder. I Import it using PhpMyAdmin, and it seems successful.

Fresh access of PhpMyAdmin, and holy buckets, it's working.

One thing to be said for WAMP - none of this was an issue.
Secure WAMP might be more secure, but I am not sure if I have broken anything by fixing outdated things. Ehhh. I dont give two flying poots...

:( Now to re-install AJAX Chat, wordpress is old hat on windows, at least getting a basic blog up.

Waaaaaaaaaamp!

ugh.. I completely stuffed that up..

I had setup a WAMP server with a Wordpress blog and a AJAX Chat server. it worked. I was impressed, even thought my  intentions had been to setup an IRC server and have a web client interface. Ease of use... but everywhere repeats the issue of server load as HTML is just not designed to be used for IRC protocol.

Ok, well, WAMP is not considered very secure, sure it can be, but as I am still meandering my way, I decided to test out SecureWAMP, and in the process, would back up my website.

Making room, cleaning old files, moving things to different paritions to ensure a clean directory structure, as I am leaning towards actual use as opposed to mere testing, I finally had cleaned things and was about to start.

Where the hell is my WWW folder.. Oh shit, did I move it by accident? I cannot find it... Did I delete it by accident?

How the hell.. well, it is good that I now get to repeat the process twice. And also good that there is no live customer.

You are the placebo.

Ahh an interesting read, to be sure. I wish I had read this back when HoneyBadger was still someone I spoke with. But despite the history behind it, I read part of it last night, and while it does resonate with me, I am already aware of it's concept. It is the fundamental principle I follow with mindfulness. Oh.. used to.

And will again. Now the distractions of ghosts dead to me are no more the poltergeists in my mind, I am free to remember the way things were, and forge a future from the molten steel left behind.

But as with all things, every revisit is an opportunity to take something new. And this I have.

I spoke with someone on Friday last week who reminded me that to most people, the concept of "Fake it till you Make it" is a viable thought process. In some ways, this ignorance is bliss, as it provides someone with an avenue for change. But even when people I thought knew me, would repeat it to me, it merely came across as patronising. I am not brand new, beginners concepts do not work.

Yet in it, I had forgotten a simple truth. The mind is just the computer running the programs we have established over the culmination of our life's experiences. Every nuance, every cyclic thought process that keeps us seemingly trapped in emotional pain, without apparent reason.

We enforce our unconscious behaviours through repetition, even if we are not aware. We do this on Automatic pilot, and this concept I know all too well. That place in my mind that I am only a witness. Watching as the mechanical body animates to reckless or abusive actions..

We are hard wired to suffer. We react to the unknown with apprehension and distrust, because at one point in our evolution into this self-proclaimed intelligent creature, we relied on our wariness of things unknown to survive. We had to flee the predator, not pet it. We had to kill to eat, not pay a man behind a glass counter for a chunk of flesh.

We had to survive, and we didn't do that by relaxing under the shade of a paradise forest.

Now we don't fear the bear or the leopard or the elements.  Instead, we fear rejection, unemployment, loneliness. We fear being unable to pay the rent, or afford petrol for our car. And this is all automatic - it keeps us alive, we are hard wires to seek the cause of suffering, and alleviate it in order to de-stress.

Conditioned by evolution, yet now in a world where we fear the things we create.

If we can identify this, then we can change this. Instead of fearing an outcome, pushing it to the back of our minds, trying to not dwell on things, and simply creating a larger thing to fear, we need to allow these things to be present, without judgement, and with practice we notice the things we feared, that made us feel sick, that we dared not think about, have lessened, seemingly shrunk to nothing. We have regained our power over it. The unknown is what we are afraid of most, so we must know it.

Instead of catastrophising about a possible outcome, we can seek a way to alleviate it, bring it to our conscious mind and see it for what it is. We won't die if we miss the rent. We won't starve if we don't buy lunch. The world will not stop if we cannot refuel the car.

If we can consider things we find hard to think about consciously, we often find them less than what they initially appeared. And we can mindfully consider our options, and what actions to take, to positively move forward.

I know this is true for me, as I have done this before. And I know I will again.

But I have learned a truth about myself. I struggle when I am completely overwhelmed. And that is what I need to work on.

Ahhh.. my energy is negative still, I can feel it, the turmoil inside of me. I want to get right again, and need a path. Perhaps this week will reveal a new thing to me.  It is after all, the start of a new life.. again...

The sunset of the old brings the dawn of the new.

born a fifth time...

No that is a lie, I am not born again. I am still dying. This corpse still murmers.

but screw it. there is no more me.

they made sure he was killed completely. but no one stayed to witness the death. every single person against this sole soul, incomplete yet they took turns at beating him.

it was indeed a long con... I first thought it was a joke, inviting me to facebook. that group. how could anyone want to know me. this misery.they fooled me, I thought they were genuine.

I was so fucking wrong.

They just had time to play me. almost 2 years, even if a few made it clear I was nothing to them.

Ahh and to use her to break me. Brilliant plan, how can so many people conspire so absolutely. So completely. She, to the point of even sending pictures, made me believe her. But I guess, an actress will pose nude if the role calls for it.

And she led me right into her web, to tangle me up in confusion and then slowly watch me suffocate in my own suffering.

Well done you fucks. Break a broken man, you end up with a world of pain.

so now I leave that all behind.and I have no clue where I am going now. she made sure I had no future here. No hope. She made sure that Jody and I would never meet again, and that any progress I'd made while sober, was laughable.

My studies, my work. given up. for a game she was playing with an entire group of people from all over, watching. toyed

I just cannot fathom how people can be so intentionally cruel..and they wonder why I lose my mind...

all of it is history now.

"I know you're innocent no more.. you'll see in time you're not immortal - we see right through you.."