And a little bit later on...

Everything has changed. For the worse. I am a corruption; I have seen my entire life through the eyes of others, every interaction, every encounter, I saw myself bereft of the dishonest self filter that had shielded me from the truth my entire lift. I had thought the psychedelics would relieve me of some burden and give me reprieve, but this time, they grabbed me and dragged me to the doorway between blue skies behind and that infinite dark void before.

And they left me there over and over, for an eternity. I came back shattered. But at least knowing the truth. Something no one should ever get to see of themselves.

And as I sit here now, hopefully recovering from a 12 liter weekend that ended on Saturday yet has somehow continued to destroy me, no sleep, constant pressure in my head, dire thoughts of that existential crisis that comes to those who've stood at the abyss, I pray that my heart rate rises from 54bpm where it was typically 80-100bpm, and that I can once more fall asleep without being woken in panic after having stopped breathing... again and again and again.

It was with terrible anger that I had to get up at 1am, no sleep... and I am a ruin.

But at least I won't be drinking any time soon, it is always within the ruins that I seek redemption. But with gynacomastia, a borderline cirrhotic liver, lumps growing on my kidneys, and the mental state of someone who has completely lost sanity, along with an ever more frail mother with uncertain  hope which terrifies me more and more, I know I have to do it.

The alternative I've already seen... and there is more yet to witness, no need to fall into oblivion so soon.

Much later on...

Oh how the world has changed. Slipping ever further into darkness, to be faced with truth that destroys everything, and then to re-emerge, so unsure of anything.

She is getting married now, in 12 days. Unfriended me to save me any reactions, I suppose.

But in every corner, there are shards. And I'm fucking everything up in ways beyond repair.

Better days to come. There has to be, once I get the results of a biopsy back.

later on...

so its later now, I still am not in the mood to give a crap. but I've had over a litre of wine. and this means I'm far away from where I was. This is the point where I am uncomfortable with the satiation. I need more, but am not where I was. The tears, long gone, now. I made some videos but I will keep them till I compile enough to edit a piece that resonates well.

I feel the motivation now for things I'd otherwise not. Watch some shows I have downloaded, put on netflix and enjoy random things. The things I cannot do sober, in that state of despair. where evey single thing is  a reminder of what I am, what I've lost, what I could have been. but also, it is now where I want to just peer into the lives who have touched mine. I want to know how they are, I want forgiveness. I want absolution. I want them to see me and want to know me.. knowing that full well inside my heart of hearts, I am nothing. so often I will just pretend. push beyond this. But when I am me, this person I know to be me, it feels false. foreign. As if I've read a book on a language and then pretended to be fluent.

I am not fluent.. socially I am bereft of skill. I can talk shit and walk shit and believe shit. and I can fool people. the drunk me is a great liar. I could lie to god and he'd absolve me of my sins. I am a charlatan. a chameleon. someone with no form, no face, no life. I am the wind.

the hollow, cold, sad wind that blows across the planet, only to ever caress the world around me. never to be the tree, or the mountain. just barely avoiding their forms.. I am a hurricane. angry, relentless.. I am so sorry Daryllyn, Jody.. you both saw me as a whisper.. and I ended up a scream.

and now neither of you speak to me. acknowledge me, and to know I wanted to give you so so so much of my life, the things I had at least, and now you regret the day you ever ever met me..

I'd walk into the sun if I could just brighten one persons day.. taking my own.

but even in death I'd just be a burden. suffering is all I will ever know. pain and suffering, loss and lost.

I raise my glass to this hatred I feel. the only constant in my entire life that has never left me...

Some days...

This damn sadness wont leave me. just came on and caught me off guard. I've deleted all my facebook groups, unfriended over 20 people. can't even think. blocked her again, both of them this time. I need it to just stop. go away. Im sick and tired of it. I am going to drink today, I can't even begin to care. I am on the verge of tears once more, not able to think. what am I going to do. the rehab place have not called my preferred line and I keep missing their calls, but I can't go in now. not right now. things are not right. I have nothing left. I have a few weeks of maybe existing before I will have to make a choice. I cant leave, and I cant stay.  I cant move. I cant breathe. I cant think. I cant think.. I cant think. nothing I do will make any difference, I can't stand it. I have no one to talk to, no one who I won't let down. Nothing.

I FUCKING GIVE THE FUCK UP.

CONESONG

It is not even a song. It is a string of notes put together after a 35 year wait. Not even made. Yet still heard. I hear it - it plays me. Her sisters have made me play before. they have been heard, some words spoken, not too shabby. not enough to carry the weight.

conesong exists..

born of... dont be stupid you know fucking well what.. Oo dropkick.. oO

Can't win 'em all.. or any...

Oh I am so tired of the usual shit.... :/

I tried to setup my old PC with linux to make a lamp server, to familiarise myself more with linux at a level that is useful. Suffice to say I need a lot more experience as it was like trying to fix a car engine with tweezers while being blind in one eye.

Soon gave that up... But the PC has kick in it.. so I decided to try an older version of windows... Windows 7 to be precise.

Welp, wamp just wont install on the bastard. It does, actually install, but then throws an obscure error on starting that leaves me wondering.. all the resources online point to microsoft c++ redistributable, which I loaded onto it.. 2008, 2010 & 2012. Same error. No other solutions. So screw that idea.

I'll go the next one up, Windows 8.

4 hours later and a hard drive chugging away driving me batshit insane, I decide to put on netflix, as it wont need the keyboard and mouse (until I install vnc) and I can continue to let it shit itself slowly.

I suddenly realise the speakers I have with my main pc, are only one speaker. I fiddle with the wires, the connectors, as it has been a constant problem for me. Only to realise it won't come back.

By now I am fuming in a rage. The hard drive is still chugging away despite nothing happening on the god damned piece of shit, for 45 minutes, an entire episode of Stargate Atlantis. I lose it, and whack the speaker jack on the back of the subwoofer. Yay, good ol' wrecche. busted the fucking plug inside...

Ok, no problem, calm down.. I'll fix it.. I unplug everything and grab my pliers and screwdriver. but wait, how do you open this god damned thing?? it's moulded. It's got no access.

Red .. Red is a colour I see a lot. It makes me bleed. Blood is red too. They go hand in hand, and it is usually my hands that end up bleeding. I took the bastard out the back and opened it, carefully, with an axe. Right down the middle, Fuck it, Fuck you and Fuck sound.

but it's no good, I cannot get to it. However this was made, it was never meant to be repaired or some funky little pricks in some weird midget land, have hands the size of gnats and ... fuck them too.

Well, now I sit here, I have no PC audio, No LAMP server (as I decided the chunking noise, yet another hour later was going to cause a rift in the space-time continuum and result in a PC in pieces all over the floor.) I have now got my PC audio piped into my shitty GVA TV, that has NO remote. I can either watch TV, or the PC. Not both now, unless I entertain the idea of headphones.

And it's 1:50am. Thankfully the only things broken are my hands, the Amplified Speakers, and my spirit. And my will to live.

Roll on fucking 8am, I am going to start today with a hefty guzzle of something yellow and grapey, and fuck the rest of the day.

I'm just so tired of the usual shit...

Oh a brighter note, I bought another 10watt 5v 2xusb solar charger, to make up for the one some prick stole from me.

So bite me, life. I am going to not give a shit, going to pack my inch bag and I'm going to go wandering one day soon. very soon. Have a few places mapped out where it appears to be mostly bush land. Near the river. I'll eat a fucking duck or two if I have to...

Burn you god damned peasants...

To Do...

Things to do... 

Set up Secure WAMP server
Create  frontend php index > temporary index placeholder...

Set up  ShoutBox
Set up AJAX Chat > changed to PhpFreeChat which appears based on AJAX Chat.

Set up WordPress blog
Set up IRC server Web Client

better get typing, I make 300 typos per minute, and cant code to save my life. you can cut open my skull and inside will be a google search engine scraping millions of redundant websites and winnowing the wheat from the chaff. :o