later on...

so its later now, I still am not in the mood to give a crap. but I've had over a litre of wine. and this means I'm far away from where I was. This is the point where I am uncomfortable with the satiation. I need more, but am not where I was. The tears, long gone, now. I made some videos but I will keep them till I compile enough to edit a piece that resonates well.

I feel the motivation now for things I'd otherwise not. Watch some shows I have downloaded, put on netflix and enjoy random things. The things I cannot do sober, in that state of despair. where evey single thing is  a reminder of what I am, what I've lost, what I could have been. but also, it is now where I want to just peer into the lives who have touched mine. I want to know how they are, I want forgiveness. I want absolution. I want them to see me and want to know me.. knowing that full well inside my heart of hearts, I am nothing. so often I will just pretend. push beyond this. But when I am me, this person I know to be me, it feels false. foreign. As if I've read a book on a language and then pretended to be fluent.

I am not fluent.. socially I am bereft of skill. I can talk shit and walk shit and believe shit. and I can fool people. the drunk me is a great liar. I could lie to god and he'd absolve me of my sins. I am a charlatan. a chameleon. someone with no form, no face, no life. I am the wind.

the hollow, cold, sad wind that blows across the planet, only to ever caress the world around me. never to be the tree, or the mountain. just barely avoiding their forms.. I am a hurricane. angry, relentless.. I am so sorry Daryllyn, Jody.. you both saw me as a whisper.. and I ended up a scream.

and now neither of you speak to me. acknowledge me, and to know I wanted to give you so so so much of my life, the things I had at least, and now you regret the day you ever ever met me..

I'd walk into the sun if I could just brighten one persons day.. taking my own.

but even in death I'd just be a burden. suffering is all I will ever know. pain and suffering, loss and lost.

I raise my glass to this hatred I feel. the only constant in my entire life that has never left me...