later on...

so its later now, I still am not in the mood to give a crap. but I've had over a litre of wine. and this means I'm far away from where I was. This is the point where I am uncomfortable with the satiation. I need more, but am not where I was. The tears, long gone, now. I made some videos but I will keep them till I compile enough to edit a piece that resonates well.

I feel the motivation now for things I'd otherwise not. Watch some shows I have downloaded, put on netflix and enjoy random things. The things I cannot do sober, in that state of despair. where evey single thing is  a reminder of what I am, what I've lost, what I could have been. but also, it is now where I want to just peer into the lives who have touched mine. I want to know how they are, I want forgiveness. I want absolution. I want them to see me and want to know me.. knowing that full well inside my heart of hearts, I am nothing. so often I will just pretend. push beyond this. But when I am me, this person I know to be me, it feels false. foreign. As if I've read a book on a language and then pretended to be fluent.

I am not fluent.. socially I am bereft of skill. I can talk shit and walk shit and believe shit. and I can fool people. the drunk me is a great liar. I could lie to god and he'd absolve me of my sins. I am a charlatan. a chameleon. someone with no form, no face, no life. I am the wind.

the hollow, cold, sad wind that blows across the planet, only to ever caress the world around me. never to be the tree, or the mountain. just barely avoiding their forms.. I am a hurricane. angry, relentless.. I am so sorry Daryllyn, Jody.. you both saw me as a whisper.. and I ended up a scream.

and now neither of you speak to me. acknowledge me, and to know I wanted to give you so so so much of my life, the things I had at least, and now you regret the day you ever ever met me..

I'd walk into the sun if I could just brighten one persons day.. taking my own.

but even in death I'd just be a burden. suffering is all I will ever know. pain and suffering, loss and lost.

I raise my glass to this hatred I feel. the only constant in my entire life that has never left me...

Some days...

This damn sadness wont leave me. just came on and caught me off guard. I've deleted all my facebook groups, unfriended over 20 people. can't even think. blocked her again, both of them this time. I need it to just stop. go away. Im sick and tired of it. I am going to drink today, I can't even begin to care. I am on the verge of tears once more, not able to think. what am I going to do. the rehab place have not called my preferred line and I keep missing their calls, but I can't go in now. not right now. things are not right. I have nothing left. I have a few weeks of maybe existing before I will have to make a choice. I cant leave, and I cant stay.  I cant move. I cant breathe. I cant think. I cant think.. I cant think. nothing I do will make any difference, I can't stand it. I have no one to talk to, no one who I won't let down. Nothing.

I FUCKING GIVE THE FUCK UP.

CONESONG

It is not even a song. It is a string of notes put together after a 35 year wait. Not even made. Yet still heard. I hear it - it plays me. Her sisters have made me play before. they have been heard, some words spoken, not too shabby. not enough to carry the weight.

conesong exists..

born of... dont be stupid you know fucking well what.. Oo dropkick.. oO

Can't win 'em all.. or any...

Oh I am so tired of the usual shit.... :/

I tried to setup my old PC with linux to make a lamp server, to familiarise myself more with linux at a level that is useful. Suffice to say I need a lot more experience as it was like trying to fix a car engine with tweezers while being blind in one eye.

Soon gave that up... But the PC has kick in it.. so I decided to try an older version of windows... Windows 7 to be precise.

Welp, wamp just wont install on the bastard. It does, actually install, but then throws an obscure error on starting that leaves me wondering.. all the resources online point to microsoft c++ redistributable, which I loaded onto it.. 2008, 2010 & 2012. Same error. No other solutions. So screw that idea.

I'll go the next one up, Windows 8.

4 hours later and a hard drive chugging away driving me batshit insane, I decide to put on netflix, as it wont need the keyboard and mouse (until I install vnc) and I can continue to let it shit itself slowly.

I suddenly realise the speakers I have with my main pc, are only one speaker. I fiddle with the wires, the connectors, as it has been a constant problem for me. Only to realise it won't come back.

By now I am fuming in a rage. The hard drive is still chugging away despite nothing happening on the god damned piece of shit, for 45 minutes, an entire episode of Stargate Atlantis. I lose it, and whack the speaker jack on the back of the subwoofer. Yay, good ol' wrecche. busted the fucking plug inside...

Ok, no problem, calm down.. I'll fix it.. I unplug everything and grab my pliers and screwdriver. but wait, how do you open this god damned thing?? it's moulded. It's got no access.

Red .. Red is a colour I see a lot. It makes me bleed. Blood is red too. They go hand in hand, and it is usually my hands that end up bleeding. I took the bastard out the back and opened it, carefully, with an axe. Right down the middle, Fuck it, Fuck you and Fuck sound.

but it's no good, I cannot get to it. However this was made, it was never meant to be repaired or some funky little pricks in some weird midget land, have hands the size of gnats and ... fuck them too.

Well, now I sit here, I have no PC audio, No LAMP server (as I decided the chunking noise, yet another hour later was going to cause a rift in the space-time continuum and result in a PC in pieces all over the floor.) I have now got my PC audio piped into my shitty GVA TV, that has NO remote. I can either watch TV, or the PC. Not both now, unless I entertain the idea of headphones.

And it's 1:50am. Thankfully the only things broken are my hands, the Amplified Speakers, and my spirit. And my will to live.

Roll on fucking 8am, I am going to start today with a hefty guzzle of something yellow and grapey, and fuck the rest of the day.

I'm just so tired of the usual shit...

Oh a brighter note, I bought another 10watt 5v 2xusb solar charger, to make up for the one some prick stole from me.

So bite me, life. I am going to not give a shit, going to pack my inch bag and I'm going to go wandering one day soon. very soon. Have a few places mapped out where it appears to be mostly bush land. Near the river. I'll eat a fucking duck or two if I have to...

Burn you god damned peasants...

To Do...

Things to do... 

Set up Secure WAMP server
Create  frontend php index > temporary index placeholder...

Set up  ShoutBox
Set up AJAX Chat > changed to PhpFreeChat which appears based on AJAX Chat.

Set up WordPress blog
Set up IRC server Web Client

better get typing, I make 300 typos per minute, and cant code to save my life. you can cut open my skull and inside will be a google search engine scraping millions of redundant websites and winnowing the wheat from the chaff. :o

Secure Waaaaaaaaamp.....

Holy buckets, well at least finding solutions to dumb issues is good. As long as I document it all...

Having lost my WAMP server data as previously mentioned, the decision to completely freshly install Secure WAMP seemed logical.

Installed the package, which is a nice gui front end giving you options to install/control Apache/PHP and MySql. Needed things, yes..

Oh I had forgotten the problems of MySql, why I have always avoided it.. Upon attempting to log into PhpMyAdmin, I am greeted with the error that I cannot connect to the MySql Database using the root+password credentials. Why? Hmmm..

Check everywhere, no MySql installed, no Apache/PHP installed prior. So I uninstall Secure WANK and try again. Now I cannot even install or start Apache. And worse, the stupid GUI hangs on an error message partially hidden after scrolling on by, and I cannot check this as the GUI is hung. I need to force close the thing.. no Logs whatsoever.

Try again, different location. Same thing. Try MySql first this time, and then I see an error relating to the database. WHAT DATABASE?

I install MySql Workbench and lo and behold, the god damned database is still there, or referenced..... Ugh Bells ring, I remember this from over a decade ago.

Uninstalling MySql does not remove the databases. Ok, so i manually remove every trace.

Same error... Please for the love of god, this should not be this hard, I know I am not the best when it comes to this, but this is a self contained package that should be as simple as install and configure.. not trouble shoot the install...

Hmm, just for a laugh I check services.msc - holy flaming parrots, there is a dead MySql service AND a dead ApacheServer service.

Quickly dropping to an Admin command prompt :

sc delete MySql > suyccess
sc delete ApacheServer > success

I run crapcleaner just to make sure nothing is going to bother me. Its done.

Try the install once more.. Ha.. not an issue.

Install Apache/PHP > success.
Install MySql > success.

Log into PhpMyAdmin, and viola, I am in. an outdated PhpMyAdmin and PHP, however reveal to me that there are components disabled...

I retrieve and unarchive the latest PhyMyAdmin, rename the old PhpMyAdmin folder to .OLD and copy the new contents into PhpMyAdmin. I copy over the config.inc.php file, and on accessing PhpMyAdmin, I am greeted with :

Requires PHP 5.5.x

This is so damn tedious...

Rename PHP to PHP.OLD and download the latest PHP package for Windows 32bit stable, unarchive it into a new PHP folder and copy over the config file.

Now, running PhpMyAdmin, I am seeing it all, with the error, still, that some features are disabled.

I need to run the CreateTables.sql script in the PhpMyAdmin/SQL folder. I Import it using PhpMyAdmin, and it seems successful.

Fresh access of PhpMyAdmin, and holy buckets, it's working.

One thing to be said for WAMP - none of this was an issue.
Secure WAMP might be more secure, but I am not sure if I have broken anything by fixing outdated things. Ehhh. I dont give two flying poots...

:( Now to re-install AJAX Chat, wordpress is old hat on windows, at least getting a basic blog up.

Waaaaaaaaaamp!

ugh.. I completely stuffed that up..

I had setup a WAMP server with a Wordpress blog and a AJAX Chat server. it worked. I was impressed, even thought my  intentions had been to setup an IRC server and have a web client interface. Ease of use... but everywhere repeats the issue of server load as HTML is just not designed to be used for IRC protocol.

Ok, well, WAMP is not considered very secure, sure it can be, but as I am still meandering my way, I decided to test out SecureWAMP, and in the process, would back up my website.

Making room, cleaning old files, moving things to different paritions to ensure a clean directory structure, as I am leaning towards actual use as opposed to mere testing, I finally had cleaned things and was about to start.

Where the hell is my WWW folder.. Oh shit, did I move it by accident? I cannot find it... Did I delete it by accident?

How the hell.. well, it is good that I now get to repeat the process twice. And also good that there is no live customer.

You are the placebo.

Ahh an interesting read, to be sure. I wish I had read this back when HoneyBadger was still someone I spoke with. But despite the history behind it, I read part of it last night, and while it does resonate with me, I am already aware of it's concept. It is the fundamental principle I follow with mindfulness. Oh.. used to.

And will again. Now the distractions of ghosts dead to me are no more the poltergeists in my mind, I am free to remember the way things were, and forge a future from the molten steel left behind.

But as with all things, every revisit is an opportunity to take something new. And this I have.

I spoke with someone on Friday last week who reminded me that to most people, the concept of "Fake it till you Make it" is a viable thought process. In some ways, this ignorance is bliss, as it provides someone with an avenue for change. But even when people I thought knew me, would repeat it to me, it merely came across as patronising. I am not brand new, beginners concepts do not work.

Yet in it, I had forgotten a simple truth. The mind is just the computer running the programs we have established over the culmination of our life's experiences. Every nuance, every cyclic thought process that keeps us seemingly trapped in emotional pain, without apparent reason.

We enforce our unconscious behaviours through repetition, even if we are not aware. We do this on Automatic pilot, and this concept I know all too well. That place in my mind that I am only a witness. Watching as the mechanical body animates to reckless or abusive actions..

We are hard wired to suffer. We react to the unknown with apprehension and distrust, because at one point in our evolution into this self-proclaimed intelligent creature, we relied on our wariness of things unknown to survive. We had to flee the predator, not pet it. We had to kill to eat, not pay a man behind a glass counter for a chunk of flesh.

We had to survive, and we didn't do that by relaxing under the shade of a paradise forest.

Now we don't fear the bear or the leopard or the elements.  Instead, we fear rejection, unemployment, loneliness. We fear being unable to pay the rent, or afford petrol for our car. And this is all automatic - it keeps us alive, we are hard wires to seek the cause of suffering, and alleviate it in order to de-stress.

Conditioned by evolution, yet now in a world where we fear the things we create.

If we can identify this, then we can change this. Instead of fearing an outcome, pushing it to the back of our minds, trying to not dwell on things, and simply creating a larger thing to fear, we need to allow these things to be present, without judgement, and with practice we notice the things we feared, that made us feel sick, that we dared not think about, have lessened, seemingly shrunk to nothing. We have regained our power over it. The unknown is what we are afraid of most, so we must know it.

Instead of catastrophising about a possible outcome, we can seek a way to alleviate it, bring it to our conscious mind and see it for what it is. We won't die if we miss the rent. We won't starve if we don't buy lunch. The world will not stop if we cannot refuel the car.

If we can consider things we find hard to think about consciously, we often find them less than what they initially appeared. And we can mindfully consider our options, and what actions to take, to positively move forward.

I know this is true for me, as I have done this before. And I know I will again.

But I have learned a truth about myself. I struggle when I am completely overwhelmed. And that is what I need to work on.

Ahhh.. my energy is negative still, I can feel it, the turmoil inside of me. I want to get right again, and need a path. Perhaps this week will reveal a new thing to me.  It is after all, the start of a new life.. again...

The sunset of the old brings the dawn of the new.

born a fifth time...

No that is a lie, I am not born again. I am still dying. This corpse still murmers.

but screw it. there is no more me.

they made sure he was killed completely. but no one stayed to witness the death. every single person against this sole soul, incomplete yet they took turns at beating him.

it was indeed a long con... I first thought it was a joke, inviting me to facebook. that group. how could anyone want to know me. this misery.they fooled me, I thought they were genuine.

I was so fucking wrong.

They just had time to play me. almost 2 years, even if a few made it clear I was nothing to them.

Ahh and to use her to break me. Brilliant plan, how can so many people conspire so absolutely. So completely. She, to the point of even sending pictures, made me believe her. But I guess, an actress will pose nude if the role calls for it.

And she led me right into her web, to tangle me up in confusion and then slowly watch me suffocate in my own suffering.

Well done you fucks. Break a broken man, you end up with a world of pain.

so now I leave that all behind.and I have no clue where I am going now. she made sure I had no future here. No hope. She made sure that Jody and I would never meet again, and that any progress I'd made while sober, was laughable.

My studies, my work. given up. for a game she was playing with an entire group of people from all over, watching. toyed

I just cannot fathom how people can be so intentionally cruel..and they wonder why I lose my mind...

all of it is history now.

"I know you're innocent no more.. you'll see in time you're not immortal - we see right through you.."